Why Not to Force Kids to Share

I was reading a kids book about sharing to Dominik and I couldn't quite pinpoint why this book suddenly annoyed me. I felt really bad for the main character that was forced to share and disliked his "friends" that only would play with him if he gave up his prized possessions. It struck me that I disagreed with the message about sharing.

Now, first let me explain that I am the type of person that supports donating and sharing as much and as often as possible. People really need to be helping each other more often. And, our kids should absolutely be encouraged to share and care for their peers. Sharing and cooperating are amazing and beneficial on both sides.

But as Dominik begins playing more with his peers, I know that there will be many times when the issue of sharing will arise. What do I want him to learn about sharing?

Let's first walk through a typical playground situation: A child, let's call her Sally, is playing with a toy by herself. Another child, let's call him Tommy, walks up to Sally and asks her for the toy. Sally refuses and Tommy becomes upset. Sally's mom says something like, "Sally, you need to share. Give Tommy the toy." Sally, after some protesting, begrudgingly gives Tommy the toy, who happily starts playing with it.

Sound familiar?

Let's take a deeper look. What Sally has learned is that her belongings are up for grabs and Tommy's wants and needs were more important than her own. Tommy learned that he can have anything he wants, whenever he wants because his wants and needs are more important than Sally's.

When we are teaching children to share, the longterm goal is that they will become kind and generous people who can problem solve and compromise. By forcing them to share, they are not learning to do so out of empathy. We would like our children to share a toy because they see that the other child is unhappy and they wish to make them happy. When they can truly empathize with the other child, sharing becomes easier and less parent-directed. This extends outside of sharing situations. Pointing out the feelings of others on a day to day basis helps children understand the feelings of others.

When our kids are on the opposite end of the situation, when they are the ones asking for a toy, forcing the other child to share instills a sense of entitlement and superiority over the other child. Will they be upset and disappointed if the other child does not share? Probably. It's okay for kids to feel unhappy and upset. It's human and very normal and will soon pass. But so long as we are there to help them through the process, kids will benefit from normal feelings of disappointment. When we are not around to sooth them, we want them to be able to handle life's bumps when things do not go their way.

We also want our kids to be problem solvers. Sometimes, the answer is as simple as both playing with the toy at the same time. If we gently encourage and model compromising and problem solving, the hope is that the children will learn how to do it themselves. These problem solving skills will help them navigate through a variety of life's experiences and make sure that they can easily work with others.

So let's reexamine the same situation with Sally and Tommy: Sally is by herself, playing with a toy. Tommy walks up and asks her for it. Sally refuses and Tommy becomes upset. Sally's mother says something like, "Sally is playing with that right now, but when she is done, you can have a turn." There is a chance that Tommy will say okay and go about his business. But if he doesn't, perhaps Sally's mom will say, "Tommy seems like he is very upset, doesn't he, Sally? Maybe you and Tommy can think of something else. Sally? What do you think a good compromise would be?"

In this situation, Sally is being directed towards empathy and problem solving and Tommy is learning how to deal with disappointment, hopefully with his own parent right there. Both are learning how to problem solve and compromise, even if they choose not to, simply by taking a moment to consider and think about it.

I know that sharing is going to come up again and again in the next several years with Dominik. He will be on both sides of the equation and there will be times when he is sad and disappointed. But I hope that one day, sharing will happen out of the love in his heart rather than his mother's demands.

10 Ways to Get Your Kids to Eat More Vegetables

I was a picky eater. Very picky. I had a long list of unacceptable foods and a short, reliable list of foods I would eat. It drove my mother crazy, but she persisted with many of the following suggestions and I eventually learned to love a variety of foods. For the most part, Dominik will eat a variety of foods, including vegetables. But there are days that he refuses to eat anything but clementines and bananas.

Kids are known for being picky eaters. Typically, many seem to prefer crustless white bread, chicken nuggets, french fries, plain pasta, macaroni and cheese, etc. Getting them to eat things outside of their food boundaries is a struggle for many parents, resulting in dinner-time showdowns and separate meals. Biologically speaking, it makes sense. Young children instinctively stick to foods that they are used to getting, typically plainer foods, because being adventurous with what to eat in the wild could result in poisonous plants being ingested.

Here are some suggestions to get your kids to eat and enjoy, yes enjoy, those vegetables. Remember that this is a very normal stage for children and that patience and persistence is key.

10 Ways to Get Your Kids to Eat More Vegetables:

1. Start them young and Keep it Up.
Breastfed babies are exposed to a wide variety of subtle flavors through breastmilk. When we first give babies solid food, we often strive to provide organic whole fruits and vegetables. Babies first foods are often very nutritious: avocados, sweet potatoes, carrots, etc. But I noticed that there seemed to be fruit added to every vegetable, making every experience with food very sweet. Not all vegetables are sweet, so it's important that babies grow accustomed to a variety of flavors. Dominik didn't always like it, but the important thing was that he experienced the flavor. As they grow into finger foods, many of us start providing "kid friendly" foods and easy snacks. Plain cereals, plain noodles, cut up chicken nuggets, and many other typical "kid" foods make their way into our children's meals. I often find myself grabbing the peanut butter and bread for Dominik's lunch instead of the veggie packed leftovers I saved for myself. Start the vegetables when you choose to feed solids, but keep it up, avoiding sweetening each one.

2. Make Them Taste Good:
Sometimes vegetables are an afterthought. They are quickly steamed as a sad side to a flavorful and filling meal. I hate steamed vegetables, especially if they come from a can or were frozen. They are usually mushy and bland and I don't blame kids for not wanting to eat that pile of flavorless peas. Use fresh vegetables, spices, seasonings, and different preparations to make them flavorful and interesting. It doesn't have to be overly complicated; a simple roasted broccoli with garlic, salt, pepper, and a squeeze of lemon juice is one of Dominik's favorites.

3. Be a Role Model:
If your child looks over to your plate full of untouched vegetables or watches you grimace through a mouthful of spinach, chances are they are not going to want to eat it. Make a point to talk about how yummy the vegetables are, using good descriptive words like: fresh, zesty, rich, creamy, crunchy, sweet, etc. Seeing you eat and enjoy the foods that you want them to eat makes them warm up to them much more easily.

4. Offer Them Every Meal:
Your child will most likely not eat everything that you put in front of them every time you sit to eat. Dominik will love zucchini one day, and push it off of his plate the next. But instead of coming to the conclusion that he doesn't like zucchini, I'll offer it again another day, not making it a huge deal if he doesn't eat it. By providing them with vegetables every meal, the constant exposure will familiarize them with these foods, making them not so foreign and scary. It takes more than one taste of something for a child to like a food. Just because they refused it once or twice or even three or four times, doesn't mean they will refuse it again. We did this with mushrooms, and pretty soon they became a favorite!

5. Let Them Help Prepare the Food:
When children see the process of making something and participate in it, two things happen. The first is that they become more familiar with that particular food because they have handled it, looked at it, and manipulated it. It brings down the barrier between the child and the food. Second is that they become proud of creating something and want to enjoy the rewards. If I worked hard on a meal, I love to sit and enjoy it.

6. Let Them Play First:
There was a study done not too long ago that found that kids that participated in physical play before lunch ate more vegetables than those that had recess after lunch. This makes sense. First, kids will speed through a meal so that they can play, only eating the minimum of what they prefer to eat. Also, being physical gets the metabolism active and works up an appetite, making those vegetables more appealing than if they weren't really that hungry anyway.

7. Don't Offer Rewards:
This may sound counterintuitive but seriously, don't offer rewards like extra dessert if they eat their vegetables. This reinforces the idea that vegetables are not as good as the other items on their plate. If they were just as good, why would a reward be provided for eating those and not the other stuff? By being intrinsically motivated to eat vegetables, they not only feel in control, but they eat vegetables because they want to and not because they have to. This will make lasting eating habits more likely as well.

8. Share Your Food:
Sometimes Dominik refuses a meal. He pushes stuff around the plate and looks at me while throwing food onto the floor. When this happens, I swap plates. Have you ever been to a restaurant with someone and thought about how their food looked more appetizing than yours? Sometimes, just the fact that it is on my plate makes the food appealing to Dominik, even if it's the exact same thing. So we swap and he happily eats my food. Even letting him take just a few bites off my plate helps as well.

9. Don't Make Separate Meals:
If Dominik cannot have it, I will not make it. This really isn't as hard as it sounds because adult meals are just as good for young children. As long as it is healthy and doesn't have alcohol or it's not too spicy, they can eat it. By serving Dominik what we are eating, we are making sure that his tastebuds and tastes are used to things with a variety of flavors. If we gave in to give things that we know he would prefer, we would be reinforcing the idea that he gets to eat whatever he feels like, which is not always the best thing for young children. If they are hungry, they will eat. They will not starve themselves if you choose to not make those chicken nuggets.

10. Hide It:
When all else fails, hide the vegetables. This of course isn't the most ideal situation, but kids are humans with opinions and tastes. Use the blender to add spinach or other veggies to things like smoothies or sauces. Kids usually can't taste a difference and you get the peace of mind that at least they ingested a few vegetables. Keep up with the other suggestions, but sometimes kids are just stubborn. And that's okay too.
Remember that most kids will outgrow their picky stage.